Sweat and Tears

If you're an avid reader of my blog, which probably you're not, you'd know that a month or two I declared I was in a "life rutt". Meaning I was stuck in mentally and physically 'bad place' and just generally unhappy with how things are. Guess what?

I feel even worse.

I remember a couple of years ago I could've sworn I had depression, and maybe I was right? I'm always miserable and always grumpy - maybe that's just how I'm made to be, but for no real justifying reason? Surely life wouldn't be that cruel, I guess depression is just a scapegoat to use when you're unhappy and unfulfilled in life, which I assure you, I am. It'd be great to go to a doctor and be told "You have depression. You're sick. Here's some pills." Then it'd all be solved & I could enjoy life. Guess it's not that easy, maybe I'm just "not that fun...".

Not really sure what my purpose is this year, since like... ugh nevermind. Let's just admit now that it has not been a good year - and the last fortnight has been especially fucking awful thanks to homework pressures. I've spent a fuckload this week which I feel miserable about and I'm constantly worrying about next year.

My entire life I've lived in one house, with two parents & my wee dog. When I was little I had my brother but... yeah, that was a long time ago & not something I'm quite in the mood for explaining. Family dramas. Anyway, my life has practically been the same as it is now since I was about ten years old - so basically all I can remember is pretty much how it is now. It's not that I'm afraid, honestly - I'll admit some crazy ass shit but I won't pretend the fact I'm still a frightened wee child is the reason. It's not. The reason is, is that I don't think I want to leave.

Plenty of my friends feel like it's the "next chapter" in their lives and they're "moving on" and shit like that, for me I feel like it's an inevitable doom and I have to go and further my education, otherwise I'm really doomed for a minimum wage job & less than "brilliant" life, but for me there's nothing in education I want to pursue. In fact, there's nothing I want to pursue in general. All of the hobbies I've had have kinda drained away over the years... It's messed up.

Questions like "What are your hobbies?" or "What do you want to be when you grow up?" leave me completely stumped, every time. Even though I always have some shit excuse up my sleeve like "I love writing, acting and tennis." or "I'd really like to work behind the scenes in film making." (my usual lies) At the end of the day, I don't have a god damn clue.

Since this blog is already stupid, embarrassing and emotion (aka. my style), I'll close with one somewhat morbid question.

Is life suited for everyone in it?

I'm starting to think of an answer to that less than... cheery.