You Want To Know Why I'm Miserable?

So, at school (which is now, thank christ, over - 'cept for my upcoming exams) people always wonder why I look grumpy or sad, and do you want to know why? Here's the long awaited, yet misunderstood answer.


I hate myself.


How negative is that? Too negative for anyone to take seriously, as usually the matter goes.


Let's break it down, but I'm not going to discuss everything. Some things actually go unsaid, believe it not.


So my main insecurity is basically my appearance. I have an ugly face, bad skin and a pretty horrible body. I have literally been to the gym probably 5 times a week for the last 5 months and, although definitely improved, so far from where I want to be. I guess the reason I'm never becoming satisifed is because I have such unrealistic expectations. Also, I have issues cause since I started doing some weights and muscle-building exercises, the muscle has really just built up under my pre-existing fat making me look even bigger, which is NOT GOOD. Now, I don't look fat, but when I'm standing in front of a mirror naked examining myself, there's a lot of little pockets of fat that just don't want to bulge. I've got small man-boobs, a pot belly, a huge ass and flabby arms. Basically the only reason I ever began exercising was to lose weight, which for the most part I did, but now that I've put on muscle I'm weighing more and it's hard to to tell if I'm fatter or just more muscly, either way, I don't look like Dan Carter so I'm not impressed.


The next big issue... actually let's just stay on the same topic. I am obsessed with food! In a dream world, I would sit in front of a television, alone, and continually eat sugary, fried, baked things. Like ice-cream, fish and chips and chocolate chip biscuits. And cereal, and I'd have the blue top milk. BUT because my life is shit I have to eat fruit, healthy muesli bars and drink f-ing water. Plus the only cereal I get really is healthy stuff with green-top 'low fat' milk. I mean, must I deny every happiness in life? The answer seems to be YES.


Obnoxious person: Why are you grumpy?


Me: Because I have been working out, suffering, sweating and aching constantly for the last 5 months, I'm hungry as fuck and permanently craving food I must deny myself. Plus the majority of my "friends" are backstabbing, disloyal and thoughtless prats. That's why.


I'm insecure.