I am 16 going on 17...

Omg I'm talking to the most infuriating person in the world on MSN right now, someone load the gun and shoot me before I go on a twitter rampage! Anyway, that's a charming way to begin my last EVER blog as a sixteen year old.


Been broken battered, bewildered and bruised.


God it's been a year. I'm not going to get into it really, but I can't say I'm very satisfied and/or plesed with how the year went. It's definitely been a lot of change, that's for sure! Guess teenage years are like that, but if I knew the things I knew last year, now, MAN I could've saved myself from a lot of lame crap! Nevermind, guess it's life, and it's a 'learning experience'. Guess I just want to know when what's been learnt comes in handy, cause things have a funny way of only happening once. Maybe I'm still too young to understand? Who knows, I like to think of myself as 'fairly wise', but I guess I'm not in the larger scale.


But I have also been blessed.


Anyway, 17, really in the absolute midst of being a teenager! Well it's typical of me to complain, but it's barely how I thought it'd be. Like there's a little time for a life, but it feels to me that my entire youth has been blasted away at school working hard! Never getting any positive feedback, it's always "you can do better" and "maybe this/that way is better", school's just very much like that. Always pushing us for better but never commending us on what we actually have achieved, I feel like that so much at school. It's so lame to try so hard and only get a crituqued work back detailing each and every thing that could be 'better', well maybe I'm satisfied! Everything doesn't need to be fucking perfect, although these days it's what's expected. It's a shame these will be my only highschool memories, as although pleasant, they're not at all what I imagined, what I dreamed. Maybe it's the same for everyone? Funny how everyone always states their highschool days as the "best days of their lives", what a god awful thing to tell people in highschool. Great so if this is the best, and it's pretty average, life in general is worse? All I have to say in reply is, literally and truly, fuck that. I just don't get it, there's so many positive quotes but if life is ultimately 'not that great', then why say it? Guess there's many who thrive off a positive attitude even when the times and settings and just, everything; aren't that amazing. It's just difficult for me to understand, I get through life and there are lots of times I enjoy it and I know I'm 'lucky to be alive', I don't know what the options are opposed to being alive and dead, but being alive can be pretty alright, some alternatives are alright.


Been the one outspoken, been silenced and used...


Anyway, paragraph badly needed. God, well 17... who knows what'll happen? I'm almost a little scared to make a 17th wish... 16th didn't happen, but at least I now know what a stupid wish it was. I need to wish in the larger scale, in the life scale, in a scale that's not simply for my own benefit. If the world's happy, I'm happy. Maybe something along those lines is more appropriate. Maybe I should simply wish for nothing and be thankful for what I have, maybe that's what life's about. Just accepting what you have, which could be a wish in itself. To do just that, it's hard to be satisfied when there's always MORE! But greed's undeniable to anything, and everyone, no matter how happy and satisfied, is always after 'something' - the problem is it's literally impossible and even thinking 'just that one _______ would make my life perfect' is all well and good. But if you managed to obtain it, then what? There's just always more.


But I know I gave it my best.


Thinking about it, that probably is my problem! I just want more! Well what the fuck else really is there? Friends and family, it's what it comes down to right? Well both of those could be improved upon, but once again, greed. I'm not terribly popular, but I have some great friends and I'm grateful for all of them! I've had lots of friendships come and go, not sure if that's terribly normal or not, but I don't really regret anything! No looking back, and no regrets, no apologies. Just 'moving on', best way to live. I'm not saying I'm a shining example of it, but it certainly wouldn't do anyone bad to do just that! Experiences have shaped me, not always for the best but you do slowly begin to grasp just with what's what, I couldn't tell you right now but one day... I'll give it a go.


When you think that you've had enough...


Anyway, kinda lost control of what this is meant to be. My final memento of a 16 year old, never again will I get the chance to say what I feel and how I feel at this present moment. It's a little scary to move on, the fact I could have to leave home in just over a year. That's a scary thought for me! I've been an only child at home for a long time now, my brother moved out when he was what, 14? 6 years ago? So the luxory of it all is going to be... missed I'm sure. There's so many things to pay for, and so little money to spend it on! I don't know how people do it, so many silly little things that are somewhat needed to carry on this lifestyle I've lived until now. It's sickening to think that I depend on so many material possessions, I'd like to think I live differently then others but like the rest of you, I'm so dependant on everything. The supermarkets having food, friends to visit, family to live with, can openers, tableclothes, cellphones, the internet, ovens, microwaves! Imagine the disaster it would be if the population of Earth was thrust back into prehistoric times, I'm pretty damn well sure there'd be some SERIOUS casualties from that. No one has a fucking clue! I sure as hell don't. Anyway, I'm beginning to talk about NOTHING and I really should be working on my History internal, due tomorrow!


Leave me with no words just one last touch...


So 16 years old, god it seems like an age I thought would be the very best! Funny how things turn out, it's been good though, it's been a good year to 'test the waters' I guess, think I'll leave them for a wee-while yet til I do things too drastically. Anything for that matter, as for now I'll do what a good boy should, focus on school and stay out of trouble. Not that I ever get in trouble, and when I do it's just some fuckwit teacher having a go at me or my parents thinking I have some problems I'm not telling them about. Oh the irony of that random sentence, whatever. Regardless of everything and my usual negative attitude, I am quite positive and I'm ready to be 17! Move on with my life! Fuck, one year and one day and I am fully fledged adult! 18! Voting! Drinking! (not that I do that much ie. ever)


And when I'm left with no trace or sound...


So if you're read this massive, well, could almost call it a 'memoir' (getting a bit fancy here, haha) well... thank you! Cause you're obviously somewhat interested in what I have to say! And it's amazing to know that there's people around here that do, which is pretty fucking fabulous.


I will know you were worth it all.


BRING IT ON 17!


Worth it all...Yeah yeah.


(Edit: 25/11/09 - Just re-reading this, God I made this dramatic! Turning 17, big whoop. Fuck that shit, soppy song lyrics interwoven throughout. Honestly. God and the person I would have been writing about at the time... BLEH.)